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StellaLunaStella
Just want to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone for taking the time to read and comment. I cried feeling so seen and validated by this community. We had a productive conversation and I am hoping it will move us in a better direction. Thanks again, so much. ❤️
My daughter is almost 2 and I've taken care of her full time since day one. My husband pays our mortgage and house bills, but we don't have a joint account and I don't get any money from him. I use his CC at the grocery store probably 60% of the time. He makes a lot of money. I previously was an entrepreneur and have sold two businesses and contributed a large sum of money to our savings before scaling way back to take care of our daughter. I still have a small online biz but I haven't paid myself in 2 years bc I just don't have the time to make it more profitable rn.
Today I was talking to my husband about how I love every second with my girl and wouldn't trade it, but I do miss working and making an income. I expressed that it's stressful on me to have to pinch my pennies since I've had no time to work (which I've said many times) but I have been working more lately and I was excited. So he says - "so are you going to start paying rent again?"
To me this felt like a slap in the face. It's also not the first time he's said it. I haven't asked him for any money... I have expenses and I've found a way to consult and sell a little bit online to cover what I'm spending on insurance, baby clothes and toys, my essentials, diapers, etc.. And I was telling him how excited I was that I might have a little more money for myself and not have to be so stressed, and his first reaction was that he wanted it for rent? After I've literally killed myself w sleep deprivation and given every ounce of myself to our daughter for 2 years? I almost started crying in the car.
He then got mad at ME and said "oh I can't make a joke? Don't make this a thing, it was a joke" And got all defensive and rude. But he's said it before, I feel like he thinks we're a financial drain. I just don't feel like he has any idea how much I give to our child. We're having issues (clearly) and I generally feel like he's insensitive and selfish and doesn't understand me, so I guess it just really hurt.
A little more context... my lo has never slept well and my husband has never helped at night, despite knowing how much I was struggling and that I needed him to help at night, except for a few weeks when I basically had to beg bc my mental and physical health was so bad due to the extreme sleep deprivation. She still wakes up 5/6 nights a week. Im perpetually exhausted. She also will only let me put her down so I have literally done 99% of bedtimes and nap times since birth. He is generally not very "involved" without me asking and is surface level interactive with her on a day to day basis. Like he'll acknowledge her, be nice to her and talk or pick her up, but it's only for a few minutes and then he's back to the tv, phone, etc.
Ugh thanks for reading if you got this far. Just feeling sad and he made it out like i was the bad guy.
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Paradise4ever
Your husband is an *** for his comment but also for not helping you when needed and being a half ass dad. The money situation is a whole other issue. Id rethink this marriage.
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StellaLunaStella
@Happytiredwifey147,
thank you, and I appreciate that double validation!! ❤️
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HopLittleBunnies
Definitely a garbage comment from him. As an outsider reading this, I had to make sure you wrote husband multiple times. It honestly sounds like from the description that you two are roommates that have a child together. There seems to very little if any partnership in finances or raising your child. I’d be giving everything about the relationship some serious thought.
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AmaKlenn
@HopLittleBunnies,
Is there a reason you chose to keep finances separately? My thinking is if you get married your sharing everything. It’s a new level of caring for one another and commitment. Do you think it’s time to address that?
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5-peaseinapod
Paying rent? In your marital home? Ass. Ill be honest, i seriously do not understand how people can be in marriage where you dont *actually* act like youre married. No partnership in parenthood, not even sharing finances? What is his problem? Like….youre living off savings and hes….doing what exactly? Making non jokes at your expense? I rarely jump to leave his ass, but in all honesty, what is he actually bringing to your relationship? What man looks at his wife and child and considers them a financial drain? Thats despicable. Why did he get married?
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emgarden
what the heck?! he's not supporting you guys financially? you can only use his credit card occasionally for groceries? what kind of relationship is this? does he not want to be married? I'm so mad on your behalf. that is not how a wife is supposed to be treated. We have joint finances. his money is my money. I would not function in any other arrangement. You're doing HIM a favor by sacrificing and staying home to raise your young child. what an ungrateful, unsupportive, excuse of a man
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spipreggo22
Even if it was a joke I think there’s some underlying issues here. IMO you need to have an honest financial discussion. I find it a red flag that you don’t speak about money as being both of yours. Marriage means all things are shared (man and woman become one!).
This goes both ways- my husband came to our marriage with tons of student debt (I came with zero). My husband was in school for the first couple years of our marriage so my income was our only one (plus loans). Now my husband is working but I stay home. All our income is shared, as is (unfortunately) our debt.
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CaOh1821
Your husband is a huge a*shole. If he thinks his WIFE and CHILD are financial strains on him imagine how much more financially straining it'll be paying childcare, alimony and child support! You'd probably be better off as a single mom.
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BabyCakes-1
Wow. For starters it's his daughter too, so he should be paying for diapers, toys, groceries and everything else etc and not you scraping by from what you saved up. I won't go too much into this financial situation because it's all wrong and abusive. Since you haven't been working (but you're trying to do more), he's the provider. You should have access to all funds and a card. It is abuse to withhold funds from you. Yes, I am using that word correctly. This is financial abuse. When you are married it is not a his or her situation but an our situation when it comes to money, so it is not his money: it is also your money. He's also an ass in every other way.
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justaddblue2020
@BabyCakes-1,
AMEN!!!
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amandafeb2022
I don't really understand what he brings to the table? He doesn't parent his child, he doesn't provide financially for you, he doesn't provide any emotional support for you. So what's the point? You would actually get more being divorced and him paying you child support. Don't be a SAHM without a joint account. My husband and I have one account that his paycheck goes into, and we share a credit card that I use for anything we need/want (within reason obviously). Not to mention he actually takes care of our daughter and supports me. You deserve that
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ashten3195
You don’t sound like a married couple. You sound like roommates who are expected to pay rent together. It also sounds like you’re fed up. I would figure out what you want to do first. If you want to rethink the way you handle finances as a married couple then do that and then talk to your husband. Some guys may see an entrepreneurial woman as someone who should be making money and contributing and not staying home with kids. I think yall really need to decide what you want your marriage to look like cause so far both of you are in different pages. As for the comment, yes it would hurt my feelings
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BendyGirl85
There's no way I would be a SAHM (or any kind of mum) if I didn't have full access to my husband's money. Our arrangement is a bit different, for tax purposes we have 2 separate accounts still (with full access to each other's accounts), but my husband's wage gets split between our accounts. So I get half in my account each week. It's more than enough for groceries, and I have plenty of spending money. He never asks me what I spend it on, and if I ever need more, he will give it to me. I have also done most of the childcare by myself, all night wakeups, bedtime etc, but at least he recognises what I do. I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who didn't value my role. I would look into couple's counselling and relook at your finance arrangement, because from what you've written, it sounds more like room-mates than marital partners.
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